On the first day of my current job the front office lady greeted me saying, “Hi, I’m Deanna, your new best friend.” While I thought this was a little bold since this was the first time meeting her, I could see how friendly she was. I felt comfortable with her even with the first day jitters.
Over the last 18 months her and I have developed quite the friendship. She is the kind of friend I can be 100% my authentic self with and she reciprocates the same. Not only is it fun to be in her presence, I have seen her set new boundaries, increase self-awareness, read books for personal growth, complete a leadership program, ultimately recognizing and embodying her worth. It has been an honor to bear witness to her transformation. Working with her is like coming to work with a ray of sunshine, even on the cloudiest day. It’s no wonder that her middle name is Joy!
AND…..she is up leveling. She is taking a promotion in a new department.
The tension is high right now in me between the excitement for her taking the next right career step and also not wanting to be left behind. The tension of holding on and letting go is bittersweet.
Grief happens whenever there is a loss.
This is a loss. I teach almost daily about loss with my patients during my integrative medicine consultations. Anytime there is a loss of someone, something, an ideal, an ability, or way of being there is grief. It’s so much easier to teach about grief than to actually experience it.
I am no stranger to grief or melancholy. For 2 years, during the pandemic, I worked as a hospice NP. I am able to educate, empathize, intuit, and provide a calm presence in the chaos of other people’s big emotions. It is truly an honor to save space for others in the ebb and flow of the grieving process. However, applying what I know to myself and actually feeling the grief is uncomfortable. I am ultimately grateful for the opportunity to practice what I preach.
Grieving is a process.
Grief is especially tough because it is a process. The grieving process includes several difficult to feel emotions including denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and anxiety. Acceptance and meaning making are also part of the process. While I know grief is a universal experience and uncomfortable for all who experience it, I often become impatient with my own big feelings. I tend to experience grief in waves, often intense, sometimes right in front of me and other times in the distance, yet still lingering under the surface.
Grief is not typically an emotion we gravitate towards as humans because it truly is emotionally painful. I’ll take more of those feel good emotions like joy, happiness, gratitude and love, please! Grief-no thanks, hard pass. The irony is we really can’t have one without the other. It is not possible to have joy without sorrow.
We can try to resist the grieving process, ignore the feelings, suppress them by stuffing them down deep. When we push the feelings down, they build up and eventually explode out through an emotional outburst. When we intentionally let the emotional energy flow through us with deep breathing, a good cathartic cry, a hard workout, a heartfelt conversation, writing in a journal or any other way of processing, the intense emotions lose their grip on us.
Grief permeates into daily life in unexpected ways.
Grief is tricky because it comes back often, and sometimes in unexpected ways and at the most inopportune times. A song or phrase reminds you of a memory and sets off a cascade of feelings. The emotions experienced in the grieving process are not linear. In fact, grief can really make you feel like a crazy person on an emotional roller coaster.
Sometimes I just feel “off” and don’t know why. More often than not when I check in with myself I recognize I am grieving on some level. This often happens FIRST in my body before I have a conscious awareness that I am experiencing grief.
Unfortunately, the underlying grief can also look like impatience or annoyance with my kids which is not the way I want to interact with them. What works much better for me is acknowledging the feeling and letting them know that I am struggling. I was recently experiencing a lot of sadness and my 2 youngest could tell something was off. I said, “I am really sad because Deanna is taking a new job and I won’t see her in the office when I work.” They know Deanna too and said, “Will she still come over to watch movies?” I said, “Yes, I think so.” Then my middle son said, “That is sad, Mom. Do you want a hug?” I accepted the hug and the sadness released it’s grip a little bit.
My current grieving process:
Since grieving isn’t something we are typically taught how to do, I thought I’d share what my current grieving process looks like regarding my friend taking a new job.
Denial: “She didn’t really get an offer that she can’t turn down, things will stay the same, and nothing is actually changing. I’m going to pretend this isn’t happening so I can take a little longer enjoying what we’ve had and also deny the intense sadness that I feel bubbling up when I think about how different everything will be when she’s not here.”
Anger: “I can’t believe she decided to leave us here! This is not fair. Ugh, I am not ok with this! I don’t like this change and it hasn’t even happened yet. I bet she will regret leaving. Or she will hate the new job so much!”
Anxiety: “Who is going to replace her? Will that person be friendly and efficient? I bet the whole department collapses when she leaves. Then where am I going to work? How will I pay my bills without a paycheck?
Bargaining: “Well, this totally sucks…wait, what if I try to convince her to stay somehow? If only the management here could have offered her a job that paid more so she would choose to stay here.”
Depression: “I don’t want to go to work because it won’t be the same. The sun never shines in our office anymore without her here. I feel so sad, life feels heavy and my motivation is low. I would rather just stay in bed, under the covers listening to my sad playlist, shed some tears and just reminisce about all the good times we used to have.”
Acceptance: “I realize this really is a fantastic opportunity for my friend to grow within this company and give her the financial security she wants. This is her life and her choice. She deserves a job that sees her worth and value! This decision has nothing to do with me. It is emotionally difficult for me to grieve this loss and I would never want to do anything to hold her back from what is best for her. I am truly excited for this opportunity for her to up level in this way.”
Meaning making: “I am grateful that working in the same office brought us together and I trust that what we have created will keep our friendship close even from a distance.”
Grief illuminates what is meaningful.
For me, I’ve noticed grief comes with change and also has a way of changing me. The intensity of grief I experience often relates to how meaningful the relationship, person, or experience was. It is harder to let go of the things that mean the most to me. Grief also has a way of illuminating what is meaningful. Because you never know what will lead to a bittersweet farewell.
