I know I’m not the only single parent who has shit show mornings. I am Mom to 3 children- a 13-year-old, 10-year-old and 7-year-old (boy, boy, girl). Parenting is something I take very seriously because I know firsthand how limiting beliefs form in the subconscious mind during childhood. Various parenting books are often found on my nightstand. I listen to podcasts and audiobooks while folding the never-ending laundry! Here are the most current selections from the library:
Uncovering Limited Beliefs
I also use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy to uncover the origins of limiting beliefs in myself. It is a difficult process, yet I have experienced profound reframing of unhelpful beliefs. I have accessed inner strength I did not know I had. Interestingly, the EMDR process taps into my imagination in a way that is not easily accessed. The images and characters often play out a story that elicits my mind and body to work together to feel repressed emotions. The insight that is revealed is truly transformative. EMDR is one of my favorite healing tools.
It is fascinating how limiting beliefs seem so true in my mind. When I begin to question the beliefs, they often don’t want to be challenged because they are so deeply rooted. The hard work of unlearning old beliefs that are holding me back and relearning new empowering beliefs could be a full-time job.
Healing my own childhood wounds while parenting is exhausting.
Simultaneously releasing my own childhood programming while trying to prevent limiting beliefs from taking root in the subconscious minds of my own children is exhausting. It is also an honor for the ripple of my healing to extend to them in ways I may never see.
This is where my tenacity really kicks in. I am dedicated to parenting a different way than I was parented. I realize much of what takes root is out of my control. Each of my kids is unique and they have different personalities and temperaments. I do what I can to model healthy boundaries and prioritize self-care. They say the best thing you can do for your kids is to do “the work” for yourself. My hope is that I can do what I can to break dysfunctional cycles of people pleasing, perfectionism, performance and others. This tends to happen one crazy morning at a time!
The awareness I hold at any given moment is bittersweet. Most of the time I am aware of what dynamic is going on with my kids and I am aware of how my body is feeling in the moment. When the kids are negative towards each other, I feel it in my body. I try to stay regulated (calm and collected) as often as possible but it’s inevitable that I lose my shit at times! Imagine the scene- 7:40 am, 3 kids trying to get their morning steps done without getting too distracted. It is getting close to go time.
And then this happened:
13-year-old: Totally annoyed by his brother tries to get his brother to stop being annoying without using words AKA death stares. It doesn’t work. He gets more annoyed and then loses his self-control. I hear crying from other room.
Me: I go to the room where the boys are and calmly ask, “What happened?”
13: “He was clicking and being annoying and wouldn’t stop.”
Me: “Did you ask him to stop?”
13: “No, I ran up to him and he fell off the couch on the floor and then got back up and started clicking again. He should know that the clicking bothers me and he should stop!”
Me: My voice escalates, “You didn’t use any words! How would he know to stop?”
10-year-old: (crying on the couch) “He just came over and tackled me! My head hit the couch and it hurt!!”
Me: “Did he ask you to stop? Did he say, ‘I am feeling annoyed by the clicking, could you please stop?”
10: “No!”
13: “You always take his side!”
Me: “I’m not taking sides I am trying to teach a lesson! Ok, 13, this is a pattern that seems to be ongoing. I see you are annoyed, and you want him to know to stop without actually telling him what is bothering you. When he doesn’t stop you try physical force to make him stop and it doesn’t end well. It is your responsibility to manage your feelings of frustration and annoyance regardless of what your brother does.”
13: “What?! You mean it is my responsibility to deal with my feelings?!”
Me: “Yes! Would you like suggestions on how to manage your annoyed feelings?”
13: “No, I want him to be different and to stop being annoying!”
Me: “I hear you and your feelings are valid AND also, your feelings are yours to manage.”
The conversation continues with 10.
Me: “Did you learn anything this morning during that difficult moment?”
10: “Yes”
The Lessons
Me: “Ok. Remember, you do not need to change who you are to accommodate someone else, especially if they are being mean to you. You get to continue to be who you are and the right people will stay by your side. It is not your job to change who you are to make someone else comfortable. Now that you know the clicking annoys your brother to the point of him tackling you to try to get you to stop, you can choose to not click around him. Just like he can choose to walk away from something that is annoying him. Or he could choose to use his words to ask you to stop.”
Once I have a moment to myself, I am able to process why I feel like this is something worth repeating over and over. I notice how much this incident affects me because I have spent the majority of my life changing, editing, muting parts of who I am to accommodate the comfort of others. I have made significant progress breaking this pattern which is why I am acutely aware when it is playing out around me.
Learning takes time and repetition.
My wise inner voice reminds me that learning takes time and repetition is necessary. I understand why I am so passionate about working through these scenarios with my kids now because I wish I would have learned these lessons as a kid.
I hope the older brother understands as some point that he is responsible for managing his feelings. That other people can’t read his mind and he needs to communicate with words, not force, to get what he wants. I will continue to point out when he projects his feelings onto his little brother trying to make it his fault. Hopefully, the younger brother realizes he doesn’t have to change who he is to be accepted by others. Maybe with time and repetition the lessons will sink in somewhere and can be retrieved when needed.
There’s one more in the room who is super perceptive, empathic and an active listener. She reminds me so much of myself at age 7. Maybe, just maybe, these interactions aren’t actually for the boys as much as they are for my little girl. I can’t change my past, but I can certainly give her opportunities to observe and learn things that I did not learn when I was seven. What a special gift to give her!
